


all good things. . .

by AsArA



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 10:32:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17723501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsArA/pseuds/AsArA
Summary: Jaemin and Mark were happily in love at a young age, until Mark leaves one day without giving any information why. Putting together the pieces of what they once shared, Jaemin finally learns what happened to his old friend. Told in a span of their relationship, from the day they met, the days leading up to when Mark leaves, and the days, months, and years after.





	all good things. . .

**Author's Note:**

> Also! I forgot to put this in somewhere and I know it’s been a while since this was published but I have a song to go with:
> 
> The Good Side by Troye Sivan
> 
> Thanks <3

One year, two months, and one week

Jaemin is a scared freshman. It is his first day of school at his big, city high school in Seoul. Three large middle schools feed into his new high school, so he knows only the freshmen who came from his middle school. So he only knows about a twelfth of the kids, which really isn’t much when you’re lost.

He can’t find his way to his geometry class. He’s almost positive it’s on the opposite end of the school, but even then there’s a lot of wrong places he could end up in. But, he’s not a shy kid, so it doesn’t bother him to ask for directions. He asks the first person he’s able to make eye contact with. He waves, the boy takes the hint and turns toward him.

“Hey, do you know how to get to Mr. Choi’s geometry? I’m a little lost.”

“You’re not just a little lost, sorry,” he smiles; Jaemin blushes. “I can walk you there, I don’t know any kind of clear directions I can give you.” He turns Jaemin a full 180 degrees around and starts walking in that direction; Jaemin follows.

“I’m, uh, Mark, by the way.”

“Oh, I’m Jaemin. It’s nice to meet you, thanks so much for helping me.”

“Cool. Uh, which middle school did you come from?”

“I came from East Middle, how about you?” 

“Oh, I came from the West Middle school, I love it here though, you’ll enjoy it too, I’m sure,” he beamed. Jaemin really likes his smile. 

They talk a little bit about middle school and high school, which classes Mark though were hardest, which classes were easy and fun. Mark says he’s taking photography, which he really enjoys. Jaemin wishes he had space for an elective. 

When they reach Jaemin’s math class, he almost wishes they had been further to start. They’re already several minutes late, and Mark is now as far as he could be from his own class. Jaemin blushes as the class turns their attention to him, looking back once more to wave to Mark. 

\--- --- ---

It’s still the first day of school, but now it’s lunchtime. Jaemin finds his best friends from middle school; Jeno and Donghyuck. The only problem is that they have no table to eat lunch at. Each table is full of noisy students; he can’t find one that the three of them could fit at. 

“Hey,” Donghyuck nudges him. “Do you know that kid?”

Well, “that kid” is Mark, at a table with three other boys, and several other open seats. Mark is waving at Jaemin, gesturing for them to come sit with him and his own friends.

“Yeah, he helped me find my geometry class.”

 

“Okay, he’s waving to us, should we sit with him?” Jeno asks.

“We don’t really have much of a choice, do we?” Jaemin smiles, starting to walk towards Mark’s table. “It’s okay, though, he seemed pretty nice earlier.”

They make their way over, Mark smiles and asks, “need a place to sit?” with an excited grin. Jaemin, Jeno, and Donghyuck sit down in the open seats at the table.

“Hi, Jaemin’s friends,” he starts, Jaemin chuckles at the uncomfortable greeting. “I’m Mark, this is Lucas,” he gestures to the boy across from him, “this is Renjun,” the boy to the left of Lucas, “and this is Jungwoo,” the boy next to Mark, across from Renjun. 

“Gee, thanks, Mark. I was so worried I’d have to introduce myself, you really helped me out there,” Renjun mocks. He’s the smallest of the three, a skinny build and maybe two or three inches shorter than Mark, but it’s hard to tell when they’re sitting down. 

Jeno smiles at his comment, “aren’t you in my history class?” he asks Renjun, who nods responsively. Meaning Renjun was a freshman, too. 

“I’m Jaemin, it’s, uh, nice to meet you guys.”

“Yeah, I’m Jeno.” He pauses for a moment, everyone stays silent. “Hyuck, are you going to introduce yourself or do you want me to do it for you?” he pouts.

“Oh yeah, I’m Lee Donghyuck,” he pauses. “Hey, are you in choir?” he asks Jungwoo, who smiles widely.

“Oh, I knew you looked familiar! Yes!” The seven of them begin talking. It isn’t long before that table becomes their regular spot, the few of them always looking forward to eating together. It’s funny how Jaemin already feels like he’s known Mark forever, even if it’s only been a few hours.

He wonders if it’s too soon to think he might have a crush on Mark, but the boy’s smile is cute.

Jaemin could never have known what would happen next, but he’ll never regret what happened between them.  
Ten months and three weeks

Jaemin and Mark really clicked at their lunches, Mark had become one of his best friends. Mark had also become really close with Donghyuck. The whole group of them had gotten to be really close to one another, Jaemin is always very thankful to have met a good group of friends so quickly. 

Mark and Jaemin were also in their school’s art club together, meaning they had a lot of time to spend together. They had also met up outside of school a dozen times, and they always had lots of fun with one another. Today happened to be one of the days where they had art club and planned to hang out afterwards, Jaemin’s favorite days.

Classes pass slowly but nothing can dampen Jaemin’s mood. He was as excited as ever. He has a geometry test that day, which he hopes was a passing grade. He gets slammed with a volleyball during gym and his chest hurts like hell for the rest of the afternoon. He has a new history paper to start, due a week later. But nothing could ruin today, he was positive.

At lunch, the seven of them are happily eating together again, Renjun and Donghyuck work frantically on biology homework that they hadn’t finished. Jeno was teasing Jungwoo for mispronouncing a word while speaking quickly. Jaemin thinks he’s imagining it, but is Mark sitting closer to him than usual?

Mark looks over at Jaemin and smiles. Jaemin’s heart leaps but he tries to keep a straight face as he continues to explain to Lucas why they do in fact have to go to school, and why he can’t ditch math class all year.

After lunch, Jaemin heads off to his next class, only three periods left before the end of the school day, art club and who-knows-what with Mark. He feels his phone buzzing in his pocket.

Mark  
Hey, is it okay if we go out somewhere today?  
I mean, like, instead of just back to my house? Lol

Jaemin  
Ofc, what do you have in mind?

Mark  
It’s a surprise ;)

\--- --- ---

After school, Jaemin heads straight for his favorite room in the school- the art room. Mark beams at him as he walks in, they settle down with their sketchbooks in hand. Mark is definitely closer to Jaemin than he usually is, not that the younger minds. He can feel the heat coming off of the elder’s side, his breath reflecting off of the table and softly hitting Jaemin’s hands.  
Mark’s sketches are always realistic, not completely symmetrical, but not asymmetrical either. Jaemin loves his rough sketches and finalized versions equally, they’re always so detailed and perfect. Jaemin’s sketches are cuter, focused on cartoonish characters on storyboards of cheesy comics. They ramble on about their classes as soft music plays in the background. 

As their teacher walks around, he smiles down at Jaemin and Mark, doodling with gentle pencil strokes on the heavy paper.

Mark keeps looking back up at Jaemin, every time he thinks back to this day he feels stupid for not realizing why sooner. Jaemin giggles and tells him, “stop doing that!” Mark laughs too, but continues looking back and forth between his friend and his page.

By the time their teacher is dismissing students and packing up his own things, Mark had a rough sketch of his picture drawn out, and Jaemin can see what it is with clarity. Mark was drawing him.

He feels his heart burst, it was so detailed, it was perfect. Mark smiled at him, pushing him off of the stool to pack up his stuff.

He shoves his colored pens into his bag, Mark gently puts his own charcoal pencils into his backpack. Grabbing the younger boy’s hand, he pulls him out of the classroom. They walk through the big double doors, coats slung over their arms instead of covering their shoulders.

“We’re walking there, by the way.” 

“Of course we are,” Jaemin sighs, stopping for a second to put down his things and put on his coat in the cold weather. “I need older friends with cars.”

“Someday, I’ll drive you wherever you want, Jaem.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I really want to get into a car you’re driving. Sorry, Mark,” Jaemin teases.

It’s a couple blocks away, which isn’t too bad considering the size of the city.

Mark directs as they walk down the streets, turning corners to navigate. Finally, they show up at the ice skating rink. Jaemin has been ice skating only twice before, and he’s no good at it. They walk up to the counter, giving the young woman behind the counter their shoe sizes to rent their skates.

As they lace up, Mark looks at Jaemin whenever he knows the younger won’t notice. And Jaemin doesn’t notice, completely oblivious to the fact that Mark could study the features of his face for hours. Completely oblivious to the fact that Mark really likes him; wants to hold his hand and give him hugs.

Mark inhaled, standing up and reaching a hand out for Jaemin to take, helping him to balance as they stumble out to the rink.

Jaemin instinctively reaches for the wall, but Mark pulls him away. “You’ll never learn to skate like that,” he tells the younger, who takes to Mark’s arm for balance instead. The elder smiles smugly, proud of himself.

They go around in circles for about a half hour before Mark summons up all of his courage, stuttering to ask the younger a question that had been on his mind all day.

“So… uh, Jaem?” 

“Yeah?”

“I, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, and, uh, I get it if you don’t, uh, feel the same? But,” he inhales. “I- I would really- I mean, I really like you, and maybe, would you be my boyfriend?” His face is red as a tomato, and Jaemin bursts into laughter. 

“Wow, that was painful, Mark,” he teases, out of habit. The elders expression drops. “No, no, I didn’t mean that as a no. I like you too, even if you’re a dumbass.” 

“Is that a yes?”

“Of course.”

They laugh, Jaemin no longer clinging to Mark’s arm, but now holding his hand, their fingers naturally lacing together.

After skating, Mark treats Jaemin to coffee, their fingers numb from the cold as they grip the warm mugs. Jaemin rests his head on Mark’s shoulder in their booth. At that moment, he decided it had been the perfect day.

It’s hard for him to think about that day, now. He knows it would have been so much easier if he hadn’t said yes. He knows it would have been easier if he hadn’t gotten his heart broken; that this was when he could have turned back. But everything happens for a reason. 

Three months

Jaemin lives for the summertime. It’s July and the weather is perfect. Jaemin loves the summer; spending hours in the pool and not wasting time in school. Mark has admitted to being a bit excited for the next school year though, his younger brother Jisung will start school with them this year.

Today, Jaemin and Mark are going nature preserve about a half hour’s drive away from the city. They’re taking the train most of the way there, then walking about fifteen minutes to get there.

Mark shows up at Jaemin’s front door a half hour before their train leaves. The boys are both wearing swim trunks, Mark wearing a black tank and Jaemin in a white t-shirt. Jaemin has a bag with towels and beach items, and Mark carries a small cooler with food in it, but he won’t tell Jaemin what food it is. 

The train station isn’t far, they make it there in about twenty minutes. Checking the directory and typing it into his phone, Mark announces that they need to be on the train headed back at five o’clock. Jaemin smiles, it would give them five hours at the nature preserve together.

“Oh, also, if you want to come over to my house for dinner afterwards, my parents said they’d love it if you visited them, too,” Mark smiled, then starting to ramble on about the lake and beach at the nature preserve, the grassy park, the picture-perfect scenery, and the walking path that they could take.

They sit close together on the train, hands linked together. Mark offers him an earbud as he pokes around on his music app, finding the song he wanted to listen to. As the train comes to a stop, Mark and Jaemin stand up and fumble out of their seats to exit. Mark doesn’t let go of Jaemin’s hand as he leads toward the nature preserve about a block away.

The two of them are talking happily as they make their way. Jaemin loves how Mark’s eyes sparkle from the sunlight when he turns to face the younger. His laugh makes Jaemin so happy, it’s like music to his ears. He loves the fact that Mark laughs at even his worst jokes. 

It isn’t until they get to the preserve that Jaemin realizes Mark had failed to remember that there was a playground. The former pulls the latter forward, bounding toward the swingset, where the two of them spend at least an hour. There, they keep talking, undisturbed or interrupted by anything else. Neither of them swung particularly high, gently kicking their feet at the ground. 

Finally, Mark smiled, saying he was hungry and standing up to get their cooler from the shade. Jaemin stands up and follows the elder as he makes his way toward the sand. Jaemin spreads out the towels for them to sit on as Mark opens up the cooler. From inside the cooler, Mark pulls out a glass container with watermelon in it, setting aside the cooler.  
“There’s, uh, popsicles, too,” he tells Jaemin as they start to eat the pink fruit. Jaemin knows he should have seen it coming, Mark’s favorite is watermelon. He smiles at the younger and they pick up where their conversation left off. 

As they eat, Mark lays down across the towel. Jaemin is hesitant for a moment, but thinks to himself, screw it, and lies down next to the former. Instead of lying on his back like Mark did, Jaemin fit himself on his side, arm on Mark’s chest, head nearly on his shoulder. Mark gently places kisses on the top of Jaemin’s head, running his fingers through the younger boy’s brown hair. After a moment, Mark brushes his fingers along Jaemin’s jawline, tilting his head up to face Mark. He’s close to kissing Jaemin on his lips, but Jaemin sits up, laughing.

“If you want to kiss me, you’ll have to catch me!” he smiles. Mark laughs as Jaemin darts off in front of him, bounding toward the water.

Jaemin kicks up sand behind himself, only running quickly because he’s competitive. The sand slows him down noticeably, but it doesn’t matter. The water is icy cold, Jaemin trudges through, his toes entering the soft waves first, then his heels and ankles. Splashing loudly, he enters calf-deep, then knee-deep, not stopping until the water is up to his belly-button. Mark is only a few steps behind him but it takes a minute to move through the thick water. Mark finally catches up, panting playfully.

“That was stupid,” he smiles.

“I was waiting for an excuse to make you chase me- you’re cute when you’re tired!” Jaemin teases him, but it only lasts a second before Mark pulls Jaemin’s hips toward him, one hand resting on the small of his back, the other tracing to his jaw, pulling him into a kiss.

Jaemin melts into Mark’s hold, exhaling a sigh as he pulls closer. Mark tastes like watermelon, considering it was the last thing they ate. It suits him perfectly, his favorite fruit. Jaemin loops his arms around Mark’s neck, one hand running through his hair, the other pulling him closer still. Mark’s lips were soft pressing against Jaemin’s own chapped lips. It feels like a short time, they don’t know how long they held together for, but as Mark pulls away to take a breath, whispering before he pulls Jaemin back again.

“I love you, Jaemin.”

“I love you, too.”

Jaemin’s heart is flipping, he feels light on his feet as Mark begins to kiss him again. It feels like a fairytale, and Jaemin knows that in a fairytale, it’s the happily ever after that comes next.

It’s a shame this wasn’t a fairytale, maybe then it would have lasted.

\---

Back at Mark’s house at the end of the day, the two boys enjoy dinner with Jisung and Mr. and Mrs. Lee. The dinner goes by quickly as they make light conversation, Mark’s parents asking how their day together was, and Mark blushing whenever Jaemin told a joke. Jisung gagging at the both of them for their romantic behaviors. 

Jaemin adores Jisung, the charming yet shy younger boy had stolen his heart. But not romantically- that was for Mark. Jaemin loves to play with and tease the younger, both because Jaemin didn’t have his own younger siblings to mess with and because Jisung was easily embarrassed.

After the dinner, which Jaemin made a point to show his appreciation for, the boys headed upstairs together into Mark’s room, and played Mario Kart together. In their usually mellow school settings, the three of them are calm and light hearted, but when it’s the three of them in a competition they seem to be completely different people.

Jaemin is yelling, putting in his full effort to beat Mark, who blames his losses on the “rigged” computer characters. Jisung is in first place through each race, energetic but unbothered by the noisier two. Finally, when they’re bored of losing to Jisung and getting beat up by the computer characters, Jisung excuses himself and heads off to his own room.

“Is it alright if I take a shower, then?” Mark laughs shyly.

“No! No shower for you!” Jaemin teases him, before shaking his head and smiling. “Of course you can.” He plants a gentle kiss on Mark’s lips before Mark turns around and Jaemin sits back down on the bed.

Mark re-emerges from the shower, hair dripping water onto the floor, in his pajamas. His back is soaked with shower water as well, as if he hadn’t bothered with a towel. Jaemin stands up and walks toward the bathroom for his own shower, eager to rinse the sand out from his hair and between his toes. Mark stops him, grabbing the younger’s wrist and shaking off his hair onto the latter. Shoving Mark, Jaemin heads toward the shower uninterrupted this time.

He doesn’t understand how the sand runs down him once he’s in the water, how on earth was there so much in his hair, on his back? He takes extra care to rinse off the sides of the tub, soon coated in small grains of sand. He drys himself off, wringing out his hair and slipping into his cozy pajamas. Why can’t we wear pajamas everywhere? he wonders as he opens up the door.

Across the room, Mark is on the puffy queen bed, laying on his stomach and on his phone. Jaemin takes the opportunity to lay down right next to the sleepy boy, climbing under the blankets and curling around the elder.

Jaemin plants kisses on Mark’s neck, on his cheeks, wrapping his arms around the latter and pulling him closer. Mark smells of clean laundry, and it’s so perfectly comforting.

Jaemin is happy. They fall asleep like that, Mark in his arms. Jaemin sleeps easily and well, thinking this is as good as it gets. Jaemin dozes off, dreaming of another wonderful day like this one, playing and talking with Mark, falling asleep next to Mark.

There’s a saying, “if you love something, you must let it go.” But truly loving something and learning to then go on without it is harder than the saying implies.

You know what they say, all good things must come to an end.  
Four days

Four days before Mark left, he wasn’t at school. 

Jaemin hadn’t thought much of it- he’d gotten a text from Mark that morning.

markie <3  
hey minnie, i have a thing during school today i won’t be there :(( I’ll talk to you later though?

minnie Ɛ>  
no worries!! do you want me to take notes for you?

markie <3  
no, that’s okay. 

minnie Ɛ>  
okay? I’ll talk to you later then :))))

Jaemin curses himself for not asking where Mark would be; for not thinking more of him not wanting notes.

Mark doesn’t respond to any other texts during the day, Jaemin had figured he was busy with something. He didn’t like to pry into things that weren’t his business. He hates that about himself now. This had definitely been his business.

He had eaten with the rest of his friends at lunch that day, Donghyuck and Jeno fought at their table as usual, Jisung had sat with his arm around Chenle the whole lunch period, and Renjun had been about ten minutes late.

Jaemin had asked Jisung if Mark was alright, figuring he might know a bit. Jisung had paused and stuttered before saying, “he’s fine.” Jaemin wishes he’d thought more about Jisung hesitating, but he’d always been a little shy. Jaemin wishes he had instead asked, “what’s going on?” or “why isn’t he here?”

Now, he has so many unanswered questions. 

He wishes he could be mad at Mark for leaving without any notice, but he couldn’t bring himself to be.

At midnight, he finally heard back from Mark.

markie <3  
Hi~ how was your day today?

minnie Ɛ>  
it was fine- I missed u tho !! :((  
how was your day?

markie <3  
it was good, my thing went well

minnie Ɛ>  
oh good ! will u be back tmr?

markie <3  
yeah  
hey, i’m rlly tired, but i’m glad i could talk ! see you tomorrow !! goodnight <3

minnie Ɛ>  
goodnight mark, i love you

He put his phone down, eyelids heavy as he rolls over in his covers, drifting off into another world.

Now, he wishes Mark had never left, the thought of those messages made him miss the hours they had spent together.  
Three days

Three days before Mark left, he looked the happiest he had ever been. 

Jaemin tried to ask what he was so smiley about, but Mark only brushed it aside as nothing. Jaemin wishes Mark was would have told him anything more, he still knows so little about the boy’s disappearance.

They sit together at lunch, everyone teases him a little bit for his wide smile and no reason why he was so happy.

Jisung looked normal, not nearly as excited as Mark, and if they tried to ask him if he would tell them what was going on, he would only shake his head and say it wasn’t his place to tell. Most of them looked past it quickly, continuing their lives as usual.

Mark quickly caught up on what he had missed the day before, but Lucas mentions he had been a bit spacier than usual during their classes. Jaemin hopes there is nothing to it, that he’s tired, and dismisses the thought. 

Mark is tapping his foot and humming all day, full of energy and excitement that he’s trying to keep in. Jaemin rubs his back, calming him down a little bit. It doesn’t seem to help much, but neither of them really care. 

By the end of their school day, Jaemin is dying to know what has Mark so giddy, so he texts the elder.

minnie Ɛ>  
maaarrrrkkkkkkkk !  
can i ask? will you at least give a vague answer i just want to know a little about what’s going on?

markie <3  
Fineee :( shoot

minnie Ɛ>  
does your weird excitement from today relate to why you missed school yesterday?

markie <3  
yeah 

minnie Ɛ>  
will it affect you later or was it only a yesterday thing

markie <3  
it will affect later, too

minnie Ɛ>  
huh  
in, a good way or a bad way?

markie <3  
i don’t really know yet, but i think it’ll be good :)

minnie Ɛ>  
ok ok last one  
will you ever tell me more about it or no?

markie <3  
that’s a good question  
i don’t know how much i can tell you, jaem  
i’m sorry i can’t, i don’t want to get in trouble yet.

minnie Ɛ>  
ok markie, see you later  
i love you <3

markie <3  
i love you too jaem

Jaemin sighs, in his seat alone on the bus, putting down his phone. He isn’t fully content with the little information he learned, but he doesn’t want to get Mark in trouble, either. 

What could Mark get into trouble for telling me about? Jaemin wonders. Maybe… he’s a spy or something. That would be so badass, having a spy boyfriend. Plugging in his earbuds, Jaemin doesn’t give it too much more thought. 

When Jaemin looks back at these days, he knows he can’t be mad at himself. He tried to get something out of Mark. He reminds himself that it isn’t bad to be respectful. Although he had deleted his texts with the elder after his disappearance, he remembers these messages all too clearly. They remind him that there was nothing he could do.

Two days

Two days before Mark left, he seemed a little distant the whole day. 

He seemed almost normal, not excited as he had been the day before, not sad either.

He’s thinking, Jaemin knows it. The way he gazes off and lowers his eyebrows, how he locks his jaw. He’s thinking about something.

It was tearing Mark apart. 

He looks from his food and up to Jaemin, smiling weakly. He looks from Jaemin to Donghyuck, and from Donghyuck back to his food. Occasionally, he looks over at Jisung, sitting close to Chenle.

Jaemin wonders what he could be thinking about. He wonders if he’s ever thought as hard as he can tell Mark is doing now. He wonders if- no, he knows- it has something to do with the past few days’ mood swings.

Today, Mark doesn’t put his thigh next to Jaemin’s, to play footsies with him under the table. He doesn’t put his arm around Jaemin, doesn’t come too close until Jaemin finally grabs his hand, holding it in his lap underneath the lunch table. 

When Jaemin takes his hand, it seems to pull Mark back into the same world as his friends again. Mark casually joins back into the conversation, teasing Jisung for awkwardly talking to his teacher about his grade. 

Jaemin tells himself that everything is normal, that everything will be fine.

Everyone wants to believe things are fine.

The bell rings, the boys pack their things and stand up. 

Threading his fingers back through Mark’s, Jaemin turns to him, faces close, and asks,

“Mark, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine- I’ll be fine.”

Mark doesn’t make eye contact, doesn’t look at Jaemin’s face, which is close to his ear to whisper.

“You know you can tell me anything that’s bothering you. You can trust me, Markie,” Jaemin reassures. He watches Mark’s chest rise and fall in a deep breath, eyes still looking anywhere but him. Finally, after what feels like forever, Mark whispers back to him.

“I trust you, Jaem, you know that,” he pauses. “I love you, too. It’s just… things might get crazy. I wish I could talk to you about it, but… it might not be allowed. Just, trust me, like I trust you, and please know that whatever happens is with good intentions.”

With that, Jaemin pulls Mark into a soft hug, rubbing circles on his back. What the fuck is going on? he asks in his head, but out loud he can only manage a whisper.

“I trust you, Mark.”

 

One day

One day before Mark left, his mood swings had stopped.

It was so normal that Jaemin almost didn’t notice. 

However, Jaemin had spent most of the night awake, trying to understand what was happening. He noticed immediately. So it’s easy to imagine his surprise when Mark didn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around Jaemin’s shoulder at lunch; to walk him to his classes.

Lunch felt reassuring, but at the same time made Jaemin uneasy. What had caused Mark to behave so strangely? Why was he suddenly normal, or wasn’t he?

He felt like he was being lied to. His head was a jumble and Mark was in the center of the mess. Jaemin hates lies; hates not understanding what’s going on. From a young age, he had determined that he didn’t like lying or being lied to, and all of his friend- especially Mark- knew that.

So what was going on?

Jaemin didn’t want to act strange with Mark, now that the elder was back to his normal self, but he couldn’t help but worry.

In the morning, Jaemin got to school, wondering how Mark would behave today, he was shocked to find the boy waiting at his locker. They hugged quickly and Jaemin unpacked his things. Something in his gut screamed that this was a lie, that Mark isn’t alright. He starts to say something but the words get caught in his throat. 

Mark doesn’t mention anything from the past three days, not to Jaemin’s surprise. As much as Jaemin wants to bring it up, he doesn’t want to make Mark uncomfortable, so Jaemin decides its best to wait it out until he’s willing to bring it up himself.

Mark walks Jaemin to his first class, and they have a few extra minutes to kill before Mark needs to leave for his own class. They sit down against the wall next to the door, Mark lays his head on Jaemin’s shoulder and holds his hand.

Finally, the five-minute-warning bell rings, and Mark reluctantly says goodbye, leaving a quick, shy, and nearly secret kiss on Jaemin’s cheek.

Heading off to his own class, Mark plugs in his earbuds and turns up the music to the loudest volume, hoping not to hear anything that could make him feel worse.

—- —- —-

Once the group of them had reunited for lunch, they all crowded around the small table and ate their lunches, which were cold from sitting in their lockers.

Jisung sat close to Chenle, who occasionally made the younger scoot away so that he could try to catch grapes in his mouth if Chenle threw them.

Jungwoo and Lucas were talking about a chemistry assignment that they hadn’t understood, Jaemin wonders if Lucas is only copying Jungwoo’s answers.

Jeno is on Jaemin’s left. He has his left earbud in, but he’s active in the conversation despite the distraction the music might bring.

Mark is on Jaemin’s right, he holds Jaemin’s hand with his left, leaning on Jaemin’s shoulder, and has his arm around Donghyuck’s- on his right- shoulders, pulling him so that he leans on Mark.

Jaemin has never minded how close Donghyuck and Mark were, but he can’t help but wonder if Mark is a bit clingier than normal today.

The whole day, Donghyuck mentions, it seems like Mark is holding hands with, walking right next to, or talking with one of the others- maybe even all three.

The pieces don’t fit together, the way Mark was hot and cold, clingy and distant, happy and sad, all so close together.

Jaemin tells himself it isn’t his place to ask, that he should give the elder time to process.

He didn’t know that they wouldn’t have the time.

—- —- —-

That night, long after Jaemin falls asleep, Mark is still wide awake.

He opens his phone, the fluorescent light reflects off his pale skin and walls, lighting up the room from the small screen.

Slowly, hesitantly, he opens up his social media accounts, and one by one, he deletes them.

Next, he opens the drawer next to him, where he has a small chip. Removing it from the plastic case, he rolls it between his fingers before setting it back down and picking up one of his mother’s sewing needles.

Poking the needle into the side of his phone, he pulls out his old SIM card, and gently replaces it with the new one, changing his phone number.

Finally, he goes through his contacts, and deletes every single one, aside from his parents and Jisung.

Tears welling up in his eyes, he sets his phone back down and lays in bed for a restless night.

There was no turning back. 

 

The day he left

The day Mark left was brutal. Not just for Mark, not just for Jaemin, for all nine of them. Especially because nobody saw it coming.

Today, Mark waited at Jaemin’s locker in the morning, but it felt like he wouldn’t meet Jaemin’s eyes, like he was shy, staring at his feet.

Mark walks him to class like normal, but he doesn’t wait for the bell to tell him to go. Mark tells Jaemin he’s got to go to his class for something instead of sitting with him.

Jaemin’s heart sinks but he doesn’t complain, he lets Mark go. He doesn’t think much more of it, though. Maybe he should have, but thinking is draining and time sensitive, and his teacher opens the door only seconds later.

Sipping his coffee, he enters the classroom, focusing his attention on the teacher.

—- —- —-

The few periods before lunch pass slowly, like normal. Jaemin’s thoughts swirl around his assignments and he loses himself in the various numbers, texts, and projects before he reunited with his friends.

He hunches over his phone in the halls as he makes his way to his locker, retrieving his lunch. None of his messages to Mark will send, and both his data and WiFi should be working fine. He’ll have to ask Mark about that.

Speaking of Mark, his eye catches the other’s before Mark quickly breaks the contact, walking briskly toward Jaemin.

He looks… sad. Hurt, almost. Jaemin opens his mouth to ask Mark what’s wrong, but doesn’t have a chance to say anything before Mark grabs his hand and says, “we need to talk, and I don’t want to do it here.”

This may be the angriest Jaemin has ever seen Mark, which isn’t saying much because Mark is always lighthearted and playful.

This might be the first time Jaemin has ever seen Mark angry.

And the last.

Mark leads Jaemin towards the quietest hall in the school, more private- toward the back of the school. Jaemin has heard rumors that some of the students ditch class to come here and vape with or make out with someone. Jaemin sure as hell hopes that isn’t the reason they’re here.

Mark stops at the end of the hall. It’s a corner, there’s no teachers or students near. Jaemin doesn’t know what to expect.

Mark doesn’t look at Jaemin until the younger tilts his chin up with his left hand, gently.

“Whatever you need to tell me, I’m listening,” he reassures Mark.

“Fucking hell,” Mark exhales, “this is gonna be hard.” Jaemin gulps but doesn’t say anything, waiting patiently for his boyfriend to verbalize his thoughts.

“Jaemin. I’m leaving.”

“What?” he chokes, trying to understand what the joke was.

“I said,” he sounds angry, Jaemin feels guilty for upsetting him, but he doesn’t know why, “I’m leaving. I’m switching schools, I’m moving out, I won’t be at school tomorrow.”

Jaemin feels sick to his stomach. His heart has fallen deep into the pit of his stomach, he nearly loses his balance.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I’m not.”

“Why are you leaving?” Jaemin makes his way to the wall, sliding down and trying not to fall over.

“I… can’t say.” There’s a long moment where neither of them say anything. And then Mark speaks up again. “So, I won’t be seeing you anymore, either. We’re going to have to break up, Jaemin. I’m breaking up with you.” He says it over, as if he’s reassuring himself that he’s really said it out loud. To Jaemin, it feels like putting salt in a wound. His eyes are filling with tears that he refuses to let fall. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t… he wills himself.

And Mark is just staring at him. He didn’t sit down with Jaemin, so he’s looking down at the younger. It makes him seem more powerful.

Jaemin inhales and exhales, heavily, trying to stay calm. Finally, he speaks up. “You’re an asshole, Mark.” The elder looks taken aback by the sudden insult. “Was this a game to you? You’re just leaving me, like that? What the hell? You don’t even look sad. I bet you fucking aren’t sad, I bet this was just a joke.” He knows it wasn’t a joke. He knows nobody could keep up a joke for so long, but he keeps talking, he keeps blaming it on Mark. He blames it on Mark even though he knows it isn’t his fault; there has to be a real reason he’s doing this.

“I hope you’re proud of yourself.” Jaemin stops himself there, trying to keep control of himself.

Mark looks scared. He looks so small, so different from the power he had only a minute ago.

He looks like he might cry. “I am proud,” he begins, speaking slowly. “I’m proud of myself. If you’re going to be mad at me for making a decision, that’s not my problem.”

It feels like they’re two different people, like they can’t control the words that are leaving their mouths. Jaemin can barely register what’s going on before he bites back again.

“Maybe I wouldn’t be mad at you if you told me why you’re leaving. You were supposed to trust me.” Jaemin is crying now. He’s devastated. 

“I do trust you. You have to trust me, there’s a reason these things happen.” Mark still looks hurt; he still looks sad, and it’s tearing Jaemin apart faster than his words.

“I’m sorry,” he gasps through sobs. “I’m s-sorry. Mm going to miss you if you go. Please stay, M-Mark. I love you.”

“I can’t stay. I love you, too, Jaemin,” he’s whispering now. “That’s why you have to let me go. You’ll be okay, I promise. Don’t wait for me.”

And Mark turns and runs, as fast as he can. He leaves Jaemin on the floor, crying. Tears stream down his own face as he escapes the thick air of the isolated hallway. He runs until he reaches the closest bathroom, where he barrels in. Pulling out his phone, he calls his mom.

Washing his hands and splashing water on his face, he tells her to pick him up, to be there as quickly as possible.

He has to leave and never look back.

Jaemin can’t wrap his head around what just happened. He feels weak and alone. He feels confused. 

He doesn’t pull his phone out to text Donghyuck like he imagines himself doing, instead, he picks himself up and walks down the hallway, trying to steady his breathing and calm himself down. He walks up and down the hallway for a few minutes, regaining his composure, before heading to the front hall bathroom. There, he splashes water on his face, wipes off his reddened eyes, finally calms himself down.

He doesn’t go to lunch. The bell rings before he could have made it to the cafeteria, not that he want to go and risk seeing Mark again.

He makes his way to his next class, unable to focus the rest of the school day.

—- —- —-

Out of habit, Jaemin waits at his locker for Mark, there’s art club today. It takes a minute for him to remember that something was off. He makes his way to the art room alone today.

The art teacher looks surprised to see him on his own, having barely seen him without Mark by his side.

Jaemin sits at their normal table, pulling his supplies out of the drawer. His whole head is foggy, he can’t decide what to draw, he can’t think about anything but Mark. Don’t wait for me.

Instead of drawing cute cartoon characters like he usually does, he takes the gray pencil and lets his hand work on it’s own accord. Then, he switches to the black pencil, adding another layer, releasing his anger and confusion.

He won’t admit it to himself, but he’s waiting for Mark to walk in, to pout and apologize, to explain himself and promise Jaemin he won’t leave. But it doesn’t happen, and before he knows it, the meeting is over.

As he packs his things, he looks at his sheets, four copies of what was almost the same picture. The page scribbled over in uneven and emotional strokes with the gray pencil, and in black was the words “don’t wait for me” scribbled violently. Mark’s last words to Jaemin, playing over and over again in his head. 

He doesn’t look at his phone as he leaves; he doesn’t say goodbye to the teacher as he walks out. Mark never said goodbye to him.

He feels his phone buzzing in his pocket, but he doesn’t look at it. He can’t look at it.

He walks home alone, in silence. He organizes his thoughts, or at least tries to. It doesn’t work.

When he gets home, he puts his phone in his backpack and makes his way to his room. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t know why, but he can’t cry. Instead, he just falls asleep.

—- —- —-

Of course Jaemin can’t tell that his phone is blowing up- he’s asleep. But all of his friends have heard the news, and they’re all worried about him.

hyuckie-duckie  
Jaemin??  
Jaem? Where are you?  
Jaemin? I know you know what’s going on.  
Please?  
I’m scared and I need to talk to you.  
I should have warned you sooner, I know.  
I’m sorry.  
Okay.  
I hope you’re okay, text me when you see these.

~

acorn jen <3  
jaemin what the fuck is going on???  
everyone is freaking out  
please say something  
Jaemin?  
Jaemin?  
????

~

tree bitch (lucas)  
Hey Jaemin we need to talk  
I’m sorry  
I just want to help  
I’m just as confused as you are  
Are you there?

~

jung-hyung  
jaemin please respond to me  
everyone is worried  
we just need to know you’re alright.  
Or if you aren’t. We want to help.

~

dolphin :((  
jaemin im confused and everyone is scared  
i dont understand whats going on  
text me when you can ig  
or at least text hyuck  
he’s freaking out.

~

lil renren  
jaemin?  
I’m sorry  
We’re all worried sick  
Please say something  
We want to help you or at least try?

~

After seeing that Jaemin wasn’t responding, his worried friends called his home phone, and hear back from his mother.

She already knew what had happened with Mark, she had heard from his mother. She told his friends that Jaemin was in his room, asleep, and that she’d check on him. 

She said he’d probably want a bit of space- she’d always known him best.

Jaemin sleeps for the rest of the day and through the night, sorting himself out.

He makes a promise to himself that he’d be strong for the others. Maybe if Jaemin can be strong, they’ll get over it easier, too.

One day later

The day after Mark left, Jaemin felt broken up, and foolish for wishing he might have shown up at school. 

Jaemin hadn’t heard from Mark since the day before, he was still trying to understand what happened.

Jisung wasn’t at school either. Nothing felt right. Their table was down to seven at lunch, Jaemin didn’t have Mark to rest his head on, Chenle didn’t have Jisung to hold him while they ate, to walk him to gym or help with biology homework. 

Everything felt tense, the conversation felt forced at their table. Renjun looked sickly pale, not eating anything. Jeno kept opening his mouth to say something only to close it again, remaining silent. Donghyuck was trying and failing to keep from crying, Jaemin put his arm around the other and rubbed circles on his back in an attempt to soothe him. Jungwoo sat at their table, hugging Chenle from his side, whispering to count breaths for the younger. Not even Lucas could act happy, hiding his sadness but holding a thoughtful and confused expression, trying to piece together what had happened.

Finally, Donghyuck stood up and left the table, Jungwoo flashing Jaemin a worried look that seemed to dismiss the younger to see what was happening. Text me, Jungwoo mouths as Jaemin stood up and ran after Donghyuck.

He found him in the bathroom, splashing water on his face. It clearly wasn’t helping him calm down, but he was trying. Jaemin slowly walked next to him, handing a paper towel to the elder. He stands next to him, looking over, arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder.

“I just… I don’t get it, you know?” he tells Jaemin through gasps, still biting back tears.

“I get it, I get it,” Jaemin soothes. “It’s okay, Hyuckie.”

“You, you know how… how he told me?” he stutters, not waiting for Jaemin’s response. “He sat down next to me, I… I think he was gonna cry too. Did he cry with you?” He looks up at Jaemin, eyes red, Jaemin nods.

“And, and he just, he tells me, ‘Donghyuck,’ and then I know it’s bad, because, you know…” he sobs. “He never calls me by my full name. He says, ‘Donghyuck, I’m really gonna miss you, but I won’t be here tomorrow. Some sacrifices had to be made, but it wasn’t your fault. I’ll miss you,’ and then…” Donghyuck lowers himself to the floor, breaking out into loud sobs. Jaemin pulls him closer, wishing there was more he could do to help. “He just fucking walked away, Jaem. And I couldn’t do anything to make him stop, y’know? He just left. What does that even mean? He’s such a fucking idiot… I’m sorry, Jaem, I know this hurts you, too.” His voice squeaks as he speaks, wiping his eyes with his sleeves over and over again.

“It’s gonna be okay, Hyuckie, I promise. I know this is so hard for you, please, please tell me if there’s anything I can do for you,” Jaemin struggles to keep himself from bursting into tears right with his friend, but he knows he has to stay strong.

The bell rings and Jaemin stands up to get more paper towels while Donghyuck splashes his face with cold water again. The two make their way back to the now-empty cafeteria to grab their things.

“Do you think,” Hyuck mumbles, “do you think he’ll come back? Or we’ll at least see him again?”

Jaemin is at a loss for words, not knowing how to respond without further breaking the elder’s heart. “I wish I could tell you, Donghyuckie. I guess… time will tell.”

They walk in silence to their next classes, Jaemin not caring that he’ll be late if it means walking Donghyuck to his own class first. The air is tense, both boys are sad and confused, and there’s nothing they can do about it.

It wasn’t long before both of them had lost hope of their friends’ return. Some wishes do come true, but to bring Mark back would be a sort of miracle. 

Three months later

Three months after Mark left, Jaemin still had so many questions, and never expected an answer. He had lost most of his hope, he didn’t believe he’d ever see the elder again.

Jaemin had always thought phrases like fake it ‘till you make it were dumb, but that’s exactly how he went about getting over Mark. He had always done his best to be strong in front of his friends, telling them that it was okay, that it wasn’t their fault he left, telling them that they were too good for Mark if he thought it was acceptable to abandon them the way he did. Truthfully, he didn’t really believe himself at first, but when it had begun to help the others he tried to trust that it meant something. 

He likes to think he wasn’t lying to himself or to the others, but sometimes he can’t tell. Jaemin hates the feeling that comes with twisting the truth. He works up excuses to defend himself, reminding himself that it was a coping method.

Most of the others believed Jaemin when he’d tell them he was fine, and even if they didn’t believe him they understood he didn’t want to talk about it.

Except Jungwoo, who Jaemin could tell wanted to help him. He clearly didn’t believe the way that Jaemin confirmed he was okay when asked, made clear by the way the elder frowned a little bit in response. Jaemin noticed Jungwoo sitting closer to him at lunch, smiling at him whenever Jaemin looked even slightly toward him. If Jaemin was strong for the others, Jungwoo was strong for him, and he was thankful. 

Jaemin is optimistic. He reminds himself to be grateful for the friends he made after Mark left. Before, Jaemin had only spoken with Jungwoo a few times, and had never spent time with him one on one, outside of school.

Now, Jaemin safely thinks he doesn’t need anyone to be strong for him, convincing himself that he is better now; that he doesn’t miss Mark anymore. 

At the same time that Jaemin would text Chenle to remind him things were okay; at the same time that Jaemin would call Donghyuck to calm him down when he was afraid his world was falling apart, Jungwoo did the same for him.

He isn’t sure if most of their friends had ever seen him really cry. Sure, they might have seen him crying and laughing, or crying just a little after a sad movie, but none of them would ever seen it the way Jungwoo has. From bawling to ugly crying and only mustering out the word “why,” Jungwoo has seen it all by now, and helps Jaemin through each time he feels awful.

And, it helps. It helps to release all of his pent up anger and frustration and tears with someone he trusts. He doesn’t know if he could ever repay Jungwoo for all of his help when Jaemin needed it most.

Like he had told the others not to, Jaemin doesn’t blame himself for Mark and Jisung’s absences. Sometimes, he is reminded of one of them and catches a wave of sadness, but he tries to resist the negative thoughts, often avoiding the thought of his once close friends completely. 

Sometimes, he misses Mark, but there isn’t anything he can do about that now. The best thing he can do for himself is face reality; Mark isn’t coming back.  
One year later

A year after Mark left, Jaemin’s favorite drink was still coffee. It was what got him through his long days, he’d always trusted it would keep him happy and awake.

And, a year after Mark left, he was no longer a recurring thought, brushed under a rug in Jaemin’s conscious. 

Jaemin no longer thought of Mark when he visited his favorite café, the same spot where they had been after Mark had finally asked Jaemin to be his boyfriend. It’s winter again, and Jaemin will never forget how nice a hot cup of coffee feels against cold hands. 

Now, when Jaemin comes back to this café, he feel calm, the soft background sound of people meeting up mixed with the quiet of studying students. The soft, wordless music that plays in the background only adding to the serenity. 

Usually, Jaemin makes his own coffee at home, but some mornings when he’s up early he stops by on his way to school, or some afternoons he stops by to get some after classes let out. Today was the latter. 

It had been a slow day at school, a few weeks into the new semester drowning Jaemin and his friends in work. Jaemin loved peacefully working on assignments in the café, the workers there never minded his computer and worksheets spread out across a table for two. Jaemin ordered his americano and an apple tart, and sat down at an open table. Opening up his computer, he didn’t bother to turn around when the chime rang, signaling that people were entering and exiting.

Deep in thought about his work, he isn’t fazed until he hears an eerily familiar voice. It can’t be him, he tells himself, willing himself not to turn his head. You’re being paranoid.

The voice doesn’t stop, rambling in conversation with the same pauses he remembered, with the same tones and expressions. Maybe it’s a bit deeper, so it couldn’t be him. 

Jaemin succumbs to his curiosity, turning around to find himself in disbelief. 

Behind him, at the counter speaking with the barista, was the Mark Lee. Jaemin nearly screams, unable to prevent himself from saying his name. “Mark,” he calls softly, voice below a whisper, trying to understand what this feeling inside him is.

He doesn’t think Mark heard him, but the elder looks over only a few seconds later to make eye contact with his old friend.

There were two options for someone emotional or impulsive- run to him, or run away from him. Jaemin knows Mark, knows he wouldn’t have done anything if Jaemin ran away. He knows that if he ran toward Mark, the elder would take his friends and leave, and Jaemin would look like the idiot again, eyes brimmed with tears.

Or, Jaemin can ignore him.

Just like he had been ignored.

It’s like a competition, Jaemin thinks, waiting for the elder to break the eye contact, but he only continued to hold it. He sees the elder mouth “don’t turn around” to the boy he had been talking to. Jaemin tried not to feel hurt.

Finally, Jaemin changes his expressionless look to a glare that lasted a split second, but he knows Mark noticed it, and he turns back to his computer and coffee. He hears Mark mumble, “don’t ask” to his friends as he begins to place his order.

Jaemin can’t stand to hear his voice, finally plugging in his headphones and turning up his music as loud as he can handle. He doesn’t notice when Mark leaves, he doesn’t care that he’s gone now, either, finally exhaling once he’s left the café.

The rest of the day, he can’t get the emotionless look in Mark’s eyes out of his head, trying to understand what had happened to the boy.

Once he reminds himself that he’ll never know, and that it doesn’t matter to him, the thought is dropped quickly.

He comes close to texting Donghyuck that he saw Mark, quickly deciding against it, knowing it would have hit a soft spot. He doesn’t think he’ll text any of his friends about it, 

 

Yesterday, two years since he left

Jaemin has been busy with assignments, applying to colleges, and working on extracurriculars during his senior year, plus working part time at a grocery store. He’s had little time for himself lately, but he’s found new interests at the same time.

And, Jaemin is happy. His time is well spent, he doesn’t distract himself with unnecessary negative thoughts, which he tells himself is a good thing.

The biggest interest he’s found was music. He was listening to local and foreign artists, every style and genre of music. Of course Jaemin had listened to music before this year, but now he had found a new appreciation for it, taking in each note and beat like new each time he listened.

So every morning, he had gotten into the habit of checking music channels while he ate his breakfast, always eager to listen to new songs and artists.

His streaming recommendations had become his best friend at the times he was too busy to talk to anyone, some of his favorite songs were found at random.

Of course, this morning was no exception. As his oatmeal spins in the microwave, he opens his phone while looking back and forth to make sure that it doesn’t overflow. Opening his apps, he finds a track- with a music video- trending. He doesn’t recognize the name of the artist; doesn’t remember seeing any photos or teasers, but here it is. 

Intrigued, he clicks on the link, an add drawls on about something as he pulls his oatmeal from the microwave, then turning to his coffee maker.

The song starts with the hum of a bass, and Jaemin pays little attention to the music video as he prepares his breakfast. He doesn’t have any time to waste.

There’s some vocalist who opens the song, he’s got a sweet voice which brings Jaemin to add a little extra sweetener to his bitter coffee.

Next, there’s a rapper, who has a deep voice. Jaemin carries his bowl and mug to a chair and settles down, finally turning his attention to the screen.

It’s catchy, he thinks he’ll definitely add it to his playlist.

But then the vocalist changes, and he nearly spills his coffee all over himself.

He isn’t sure what he feels, or what he thinks. He stares at the screen, baffled by the familiar voice; the familiar face that seems to look right through him as it gazes into the camera.

It’s Mark. He’s rapping, he’s dancing, he’s smiling and pouting and glaring all in different shots. And Jaemin recognizes most of the features, although some of them are very different. He wonders if Mark’s face has changed with surgery or with time. The elder’s cheeks are narrow and hollow, but not in a bad way. His jawline is sharp and- does he have abs?

This is very clearly not the same Mark that walked freshman Jaemin to his geometry class. This is not the Mark that shyly asked him to be his boyfriend, this is not the Mark who took him on picnic dates and told Jaemin not to drink so much coffee.

This isn’t the Mark that he fell in love with.

This isn’t the Mark that broke his heart.

He stares at the screen, dumbfounded. The first thing that he thinks of once the song is over is to send it to his friends.

But- would it make Donghyuck sad or would it bring him closure? Would it leave Chenle with more questions than he had before or would it bring him answers? Would it anger Jeno to have waited so long to understand, or would it relieve him to see that he was okay? Would Jungwoo worry and dote over Jaemin or would he find a way to put it into the right perspective? Would it distract Renjun or would he forget about it? Would it tear Lucas apart or would it piece him back together?

Would Mark want them to see?

Would they have already seen it?

Jaemin has more questions than he’d ever had before, but right now he doesn’t care how it affects Mark. He only cares about how it will make his friends feel.

So instead of sending it in a group chat, he individually texts Jungwoo.

jaemjaem  
hey jungwoo??  
I found something about mark and I know you’re at college and all and I get it if you’re busy but I don’t know what to do

jung-hyung  
jaem! what’s up? what is it?

jaemjaem  
um. I think I’ll just send a link to it?  
www.youtube.com/mv

jung-hyung  
okay!

Five minutes later, he finally hears back.

jung-hyung  
oh.  
wow

jaemjaem  
I’m worried that it will freak hyuck out? I don’t know how everyone will handle it.

jung-hyung  
how are you handling it, jaem?

jaemjaem  
I don’t really know if it’s fully settled in yet.  
I don’t know how I feel about any of this yet

jung-hyung  
well… I think you should send it to everyone.  
they trust you, Jaemin.  
I think it will be better for them to hear it from you than to be surprised on their own.  
If you don’t send it to them, they’ll see it eventually. Might as well rip off the bandaid.

So he does. Jaemin opens up the group chat with all of his close friends, and types slowly, reminding himself that this is a sensitive subject and that he doesn’t want to hurt them.

here’s jaemin!  
Hey guys. I found something this morning and I want to send it to you all so that we know we’ve all at least heard about it.  
I’m going to just go for it, I guess. It’s Mark. He’s in a music video. He raps now, which is so crazy. I haven’t really processed it and I know you’ll all feel differently about it, but I think you need to at least know more about what’s going on. I love you guys.  
www.youtube.com/mv

Over the next few minutes, their responses piled in.

duckie :))  
what

L U C A S ?  
you’re shitting with me right now  
you’re kidding, and that isn’t funny  
I never knew you could edit videos so well. 

_•*junguwu*•_  
lucas  
It’s real and you know that. 

L U C A S ?  
it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

teeny junnie  
actually.  
it kinda makes sense.  
he had to move to be closer to wherever he was training. he wouldn’t have time to be with us, he didn’t know how to say goodbye?  
it could have been in his contract that he couldn’t tell us why he was leaving.

dolphin boy lele  
I hate that you’re right 

L U C A S ?  
I hate that it makes sense

jeNO  
you look away for ten minutes and suddenly everything has happened wtf guys  
hold up I still need to watch I overslept.

duckie :))  
well, shit.

jeNO  
shit is right  
I cannot believe that I like the song

duckie :))  
that was the least surprising part

here’s jaemin!  
are you guys okay?  
I’m sorry if I sent that and any of you didn’t want to see it

teeny junnie  
nono you had to send it.  
I would rather have gotten it for you 

duckie :))  
^

Jaemin sighs, relieved. Maybe it the others had freaked out a bit more about him sending the song, he wouldn’t feel quite as comfortable.

So, he listens to the song again.

And again.

And again.

Until the school bus comes, he listens to it on repeat, learning the words and the members and studying their features.

He immunizes himself to it. If he can get used to seeing Mark through the screen, and if he can start to associate Mark with the new idol group, maybe he can forget what he used to think about Mark.

He needs to forget what he used to think about Mark, because that Mark is gone.

—- —- —-

At school, Jaemin makes his way to his locker, where Chenle, Renjun, Jeno, and Donghyuck are waiting for him.

His heart swells. They’re all smiling. He knows that the want to comfort him.

They all hug, and it’s calming. It feels like finally finding closure after Mark left. They finally understand.

And, nobody looks sad. He had worried they would be a little hurt or freaked out by the news, but even Donghyuck was smiling, eyes not showing a hint of red from tears.

Maybe everything would be okay, after all.

 

Today, eight-hundred and twelve days since he left.

It was past three in the morning, officially the day after Mark’s debut. Both boys were tired but still up working. Jaemin had assignments to finish for school, but he couldn’t focus on anything, all of the pieces to two-years worth of puzzles finally coming together. He’s okay with it now that it makes sense even more than he had claimed to be when it was all a blur. He’s in his bed, typing for short, intense bursts of ideas and stopping when he got distracted seconds later. On his nightstand is his big mug of coffee, now nearly empty. He just wants to finish this project and go to sleep, but it doesn’t seem likely to happen any time soon. The past twenty-four hours have been a shitshow of confusion and answers and the resurfacing of suppressed memories. 

He doesn’t know what to think or feel about anything anymore. He needs rest to sort himself out, but it isn’t looking very likely that he’ll get any. Jaemin sighs into his mug as he plans the next paragraph. His computer makes a light pinging sound, he’d received some message. He finishes his sentence before changing to his email tab, wondering who could be messaging him this late at night.

Oh. 

To: nanajaem00@gmail.com  
From: mleespammail@hotmail.com  
No subject

Hey.

It’s Mark Lee. I honestly do not know if you still use this email address, but I need to at least make an effort to do this. I guess it’s okay if you do not see this, or if you do not want to read this. I get that. 

I know you probably hate me right now. I hate me, too, sometimes. Especially for what I did to you. I am an asshole. The thought of how I hurt you makes me feel like shit. I do not really know what to expect from sending this. I guess I have been thinking a lot lately. I really want to tell you I am so, so, so sorry for everything. But I guess maybe now you know why I left, not that it makes any of what happened okay. 

These past couple years have been kinda crazy. For a long time, I found myself wishing you could see what I was doing. For a long time, the thought of how proud you could be of me- if we were still in contact- was what fueled me to work as hard as I did. Thank you for that. Maybe you know now that I was training, but if not, that is why I left so suddenly. I spent two years training to debut in a boy group.

You know, it was because of you that I really became confident in my singing, even if I am rapping now. You lit a spark for a deeper interest in music- and pursuing my dreams- inside me. I have not had a full night’s rest in a while, partially being busy working and preparing, and partially because I cannot forgive myself for leaving all of you guys the way I did. Jisung did not even audition with me, and I miss him a lot. He stuck with me for so long, and he encouraged me when I felt down. He could have stayed at school with you guys, but he promised me he would stick with me. I am so sorry he had to leave you guys, too. 

I keep thinking of how I could have done things differently. I do not regret being your friend, nor do I regret being your boyfriend. I had some of my fondest memories with you, even if they make me sad to think of now. I know it would have been different if I had lied to you guys, saying I was moving back to Canada, or going to boarding school. But, you were always so adamant, refusing to lie, I knew I could not lie to you either. At the same time, I was not allowed to tell you what was going on. I swear I had good intentions, I am not so good at execution. Sometimes, I think I should have lied. Maybe that would have been easier. Maybe then Jisung could have stayed with you, too. I guess we will never really know. 

Long story short, I am so sorry for what I did to all of you guys. I hope you all know I have not forgotten any of you.

I do not know if you will want to respond to this, or if I will see it when you do, but I hope you could give everyone a hug for me? Even if they cannot know that it is from me. I miss all of you a lot. A year ago, when I saw you in that café, I did not know what to do, and I did not know what you would do. Of course, I wanted to say something, but I knew it would hurt both of us. I wish it could have ended differently. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

I wish you the best.

Goodbye.  
Mark.

Jaemin’s heart felt like it was torn to pieces in front of his own eyes. He can practically hear the elder’s voice speaking every word, even after years of his absence. He felt sick to his stomach, like he might throw up. He was nearly at a loss for words. He kept reading the email over and over again, not sure of how he felt with the formal writing style, or the fact that he never used Jaemin’s name. Thumbs shaking, vision blurred with tears, he types out the three word response to Mark’s lengthy message.

It was like a scene from a movie, that neither of them would ever have known of. Two boys, no longer in love. The first and last words said to each other after years of no communication at all. Only so many miles apart, but worlds away from each other. Mirrored images of one another, each in their dark bedrooms and under the covers of their beds. Hot tears running down their cheeks, illuminated by their devices, looking at the same message through different screens, knowing that these would be the last words communicated between them. 

Years of memories, not forgotten but not reminisced. All finally put to a close in three words. Eleven letters. A period, the end of the sentence, the end of their story.

To: mleespammail@hotmail.com  
From: nanajaems00@gmail.com  
Re: No subject

i forgive you.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:  
> Wow. Hi. Honestly, thank you for making it through that. That was a monster. I really hope it was enjoyable and that the ending wasn’t so sad for you. The point of it was not so much to have a sad ending or a happy ending, but a fulfilling one. I put so much effort into this and I hope it turned out okay. This will probably be my first thing up on AO3 but I have several other things in the works, both some chaptered and some one shots! 
> 
> So, I’m going to give just a little behind the scenes about writing this, I guess? This wasn’t originally supposed to be so long. My first outline for it was just the two days leading up and the day he left, and the day he debuted. Slowly, it grew, I wanted to add some fluff and give a bit of their background- I wanted them to be happy before it was sad. I wrote all of this out of order, and it all changed bit by bit. One of the most important parts about the finished version is the fact that Jaemin isn’t angry. In some of the earlier versions, he was bitter about Mark leaving, but as this evolved, I decided that wouldn’t be how he would really react, both how I see real life Jaemin and Jaemin in this au. 
> 
> When I was working on this, I actually had a period where I didn’t want to write any of it- I was freaking out and I couldn’t believe myself for putting them together just to rip them apart in the end. But it became important that in the end, they had both moved on. It became the point of the story for both of them to be happy, even if they weren’t together anymore and even if they hadn’t ended on a good note. I hope you were able to learn something or take something away from this. I promise with time and perseverance, things will get better. I wish all of you the best!!
> 
> PS- feel free to comment! Things you liked, thoughts, and constructive criticism are all appreciated!! I love to improve as a writer and as a person, and hearing from you is a great place to start!! <3
> 
> \--3A


End file.
